Wtf is an air fryer

And other breaking news

2:21 am is a great time to find yourself scrolling through the product reviews on Drew Barrymore’s eggshell white toaster oven. For just $129 you can heat up your 2 day old pizza just like Drew would.

But this is not important to you. It can’t be, because you care about important things like politics and social movements and blockchain. It’s a writer’s job to know their audience and to know what you really want to hear. Which is why today’s Pillowtown is an extensive deep dive into the air fryer.

Let’s start at the beginning. What is it. How is it different from an oven? From a toaster? From a microwave? To me, an air fryer is the easy bake oven of adult kitchen appliances. 

Now some of you are thinking- it’s a great tool for college kids! What if you don’t have an oven? Well, you shouldn’t be cooking in an air fryer in college. Why are you roasting broccoli? Why are you crisping up chicken nuggets? College is for cereal. College is for microwaved Easy Mac that your neighbor brought in to your room at 2am to heat up because he doesn’t have a microwave. Nick, if you’re reading this, thank you for the memories. 

It’s frustrating to see people being sold products they don’t need. To be clear, if you are an advocate of the air fryer please reach out to my team, we are happy to field any and all concerns. This is, after all, a complaint about an item that our team has never seen in person, let alone used. 

But maybe this opens a window into a whole world of Things We Don’t Need. Why do we create solutions for nonexistent problems? Where is the self driving toothbrush? Why can’t we take a pill at the beginning of a beach day instead of haphazardly applying sunscreen? This is not an anti-science platform. After all, scientists can usually only research things that they have the funding for. So where is Big Fryer? Who is behind all this?? Nobody asked for this. Ovens and toasters and microwaves exist. We’re getting greedy.

When you live in New York, you don’t have room for an air fryer. Counters are for electric kettles, a thick wooden cutting board from Vermont that will forever be stained by the one red beet that died there, and One Sprouting Potato in the back corner. If New Yorkers had more counter space maybe they’d be less angry on the ROAD. More on that never. 

How did we get here? Is Drew Barrymore to blame? She doesn’t even sell air fryers, she sells toaster ovens. You guys can see how easy it is to displace your anger. To project feelings of shame and insecurity on an innocent actress simply because she sent you down a rabbit hole on an appliance that people seem to enjoy. Why can’t we let people enjoy things? She shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of my rage so Drew if you’re reading this, my sincerest apologies. 50 First Dates was my inspiration to break into your industry. And it’s going really well, they just made a show based on my exact high school experience (Euphoria).

Most of this argument is rooted in jealousy. There’s no room for an air fryer in my apartment. When there’s room for an air fryer, that’s how you’ll know that fame has overcome me. When there’s room for an air fryer there’s room for Emmys and SAG awards and a tiny box of dog toys for my mini doodle named Quinoa. When there’s room for an air fryer there will also be room for a roomba. Room for dance dance revolution. For a trampoline and one of those heart shaped circle beds and all the finer things in life.

The next time you’re craving something fried, eat something fried. Deep fried in oil. You can eat what you want. Life is short. Nobody cares what you look like except you and your grandma. But one day she won’t recognize you anyway so eat up. You’re allowed to laugh at that.

The best thing I ate this week:

Was a pineapple salad from Ugly Baby in Carroll Gardens. It had chilis and fried anchovies and cilantro and peanuts and a lot of other things I don’t remember. Go there, and be smart like my friend Alex and bring a chocolate milk to help calm the spices afterwards. They don’t have air fryers there.