Who's In My Bathroom?

Sometimes women should speak less

I’ve just stumbled upon a piece of information so important that I feel, as someone with a platform, it’s my responsibility to share. Hailey Bieber, wife of aspiring singer Justin Bieber, has a new web series where she interviews people in her bathroom. I would never ask any of you to watch this, but in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I watched it myself on behalf of my community. Ever since I got rid of Twitter I’ve been worried that I’d be out of the loop on pop culture, so this is an exercise in me staying up to date on the important things in life.

I can only imagine that Mrs. Bieber made this YouTube channel in an attempt to appear fun, easygoing, and relatable to her fans. The amazing part of this is that her bathroom is so large that the foyer of the bathroom can fit a table for two and a small camera crew. At the very beginning of the 12 minute video, she outlines that this show, “Who’s in my bathroom?” is a place where she interviews her friends and does “quirky things” in her bathroom. Who’s in my bathroom, you ask? A bobby pin. In my toilet. I dropped a bobby pin in the toilet honestly weeks ago and it hasn’t flushed and I’m not going in to get it so it just sort of resurfaces from time to time. 

Mrs. Bieber starts out by setting herself apart from others. What makes this supermodel celebrity influencer’s YouTube channel different from the rest? Well, she’s not doing skincare routines or makeup tutorials. She’s not like other girls. She’s doing quirky things. Quirky is a word normal girls love to use when they do normal things but they watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind once. In today’s episode, the quirky thing is they’re making Annie’s mac and cheese on a portable induction stove in the bathroom. Mac and cheese in the bathroom?? Relatable as fuck. I forgot to mention her guest in this episode is Kendall Jenner. This is the last time a Kardashian will be named in my newsletter. Unless Kylie and I work together one day because she’s also an aspiring TV writer and I don’t want to burn any bridges.

Right off the bat we are reminded that celebrities; they’re not like us. Kendall asked if you were supposed to butter the water before pouring in the macaroni. Ah wait, they’re recounting a nostalgic memory. Oh wait- Kendall just described the two of them as Yin and Yang. This is going just as planned. Oh my god, they’re using real butter and whole milk. If you think even for a second that I’m going to believe supermodels eat dairy you’re wrong. There’s no time for flatulence on set with Calvin Klein. 

As you’ve hopefully noticed this is a live reaction to this video. Now, Mrs. Bieber is explaining how the concept for “Who’s in my bathroom?” came about. You see, someone on her team took a cute photo of her and Kendall in her bathroom on her 21st birthday and it made her think, we could look cute in a bathroom again but make people listen to us talk.

A brief hiatus here to explain to any of my male followers what happens in a women’s bathroom. When you walk in, you’re immediately greeted by Kendall Jenner, she’s always there. Then you find a cozy couch in the corner of the bathroom lobby and sit sideways on it and someone from Kendall’s team comes in to take boudoir photos of you. Then you hold hands and cry about men that aren’t good enough for you and then you compliment each other’s shirts. When you both go to pee in adjacent stalls you kick your feet playfully underneath the dividers because that's what quirky girls do. Then you both wash your hands and go your separate ways. You leave the club early because you have an early morning the next day buying Birkin bags for your 3 year old nieces. 

At 6 minutes in, the halfway mark, and I am discovering the true reason for this video, and any video in general; product placement. Kendall Jenner just came out with a new tequila brand called “818” which is the area code of her Calabasas hometown. If I came out with an alcohol from my hometown it would be called “301” and it would be 3 equal parts dad’s scotch, mom’s white wine, and sediment from the Potomac River. Only available at CVS.

Ugh, now they’re playing never have I ever and drinking Kendall’s tequila. Did you know in the US in alcohol commercials they’re not allowed to show people drinking the alcohol, just holding it? Anyway on an unrelated note every one of my college game days I heard ambulance sirens.

I hope you enjoyed my foray back into the world of popular culture. I have discovered once again that it is bad. I’ve been enjoying my time further away from the internet. I’m on Instagram and I check Facebook for birthdays but for the most part I lay low. I guess I’m just quirky like that.