Hello. I will not be discussing the stock market today because I don’t understand it and my only connection to GameStop is that I once got so heated during a Mario Kart tournament that I slammed my foot into the coffee table and broke my toe. The end.
We begin today’s journey, as most of my days begin, on Instagram.com. This is a great place to go if you care a lot about what other people think of you. If they think of you. How frequently and with what intensity they think of you. I posted a picture of myself on Instagram today and it got fewer likes than the last time I posted a picture of myself on Instagram. This is what some would call a “harrowing event.”
I look for a lot of positive affirmation because I concern myself with the value others see in me. Often I don’t see a lot of the value myself. When I’m insecure, it’s easy for me to criticize others. I don’t think this is a unique quality of mine but it’s just me behind this keyboard so I’m speaking on behalf of the team. I have been told I’m critical, at times judgmental, and have been known by friends and family to play devil’s advocate. But I was a philosophy major where 84% of my class was male so maybe I can be let off the hook for that one.
Today I want to talk about a time I failed. Just like all those college app essay prompts wanted me to do. Not in an attempt to put myself down, but rather to illuminate the possibility of a better future. I think if I’m more confident and put care into the things I do and the things I say, I can be a better friend, a better daughter, a better girlfriend, a better colleague. This week marks the one year anniversary of me getting fired from my tech sales job. This is my story.
A year ago tomorrow, I woke up at 7:30am and put on a very nice outfit. I was interviewing for a promotion at my job and wanted to look sharper than usual to convince them I would be worthy of a raise. Sort of like what you do to your fattest cow before auction.
When I got to the room where my interview was supposed to take place, I noticed it was empty. This struck me as strange because in every interview I’ve ever had there has always been at least one other person there. Calmly, I returned to my desk and opened my computer. I had a slack message from my boss asking me to come to a different room. Surely my interview was moved to the Aquavit room! (Side note: every conference room in my office was named after alcohol. I was hired in Amaro and fired in Mezcal. Cheers!)
When I got to the small room, I noticed that seated next to my boss was the head of HR. Now this could mean two things- either they are making me CEO and they needed me to fill out a ton of paperwork, or they were firing me. Here’s some dialogue for all my movie-heads out there:
Man 1: So, Rachel, you know that you have pretty aggressive sales goals as this is your 8th month here.
Me: Yes.
Man 1: And you know you’ve failed to reach those goals for the past 2 months.
Me: Yes, I found it difficult to sell software to restaurants during Christmas time.
Man 2: Fuck you! (Just kidding)
Man 2: Yes, but we needed you to hit your goals and you didn’t, so unfortunately today is your last day.
Man 1: We’re not going to escort you out or anything dramatic but we ask that you go collect your things and be out of here in 15 minutes.
Me (holding back tears but in a chill way): Thank you so much for the opportunity!
Rachel exits the mezcal room as the door swings back behind her. She makes eye contact with the senior sales rep who makes forty trillion dollars a year and nods. She walks gracefully to her desk to pack her things. She didn’t have a lot of things. The last to go into the canvas bag was her desktop inflatable tube guy. She unplugs her desktop inflatable tube guy and he collapses like they tell you to do in ragdoll in yoga sometimes. She puts him in her bag only to throw him away on the street corner five minutes later. He will remind her of failure and she doesn’t want that.
I want to say I left the office that Friday with my head held high. I did not. I got to the street corner and sobbed under the Kendall Jenner Calvin Klein billboard. I called my mom who told me I was going to be ok. I called my dad who told me the same thing but in a deeper voice. The worst part about having divorced parents is having to give the “I was fired” speech twice. The best part is two birthdays.
I did poorly at this job because I was focused on other things. It’s not an excuse, just an explanation. Sometimes I fall short of the expectations I set for myself and for the way I treat people because I’m too busy or too tired or too unfocused. I don’t want to do that anymore and I don’t want to make excuses. I need to put on my own oxygen mask before I can help others. Frankly I need to learn how to calmly board a plane before I can help anyone at all. I think we all need to be more conscious of how we treat others during a time that can feel like every man for himself.
I hope you’ll join me in this endeavor in some way. Nobody hates you! Not even the guys who are firing you. They just needed you to make more phone calls and you were busy writing stand up jokes on post its and drinking free Califia almond milk. Post an Instagram and close your phone and go for a walk. No selfie will make or break you. You’re not Ellen Degeneres at the Oscars. I’m only 23 and I have more questions than answers. But I have an Alexa in my kitchen and bachelors degree in thinking so I guess I’ll be okay.