Britney Spears just posted a photo of Princess Diana with the caption “she never wanted to be the queen… she wanted to be the heart of the people.” Have any of you watched The Crown? Or, do you wear long black bike shorts and large grey sweatshirts as a fashion statement? Princess Diana is, to me, the most relatable and unrelatable figure of the history that swirls in my brain. I can’t relate to living in Buckingham Palace and being internationally in the spotlight, but I can relate to the quiet at night feelings. Feeling inferior, feeling pressure to perform and succeed in certain ways, and not feeling pretty. Princess Diana had an eating disorder while she was lauded as a beauty icon. Just as a reminder, we are always our own harshest critics. And a million people can love you, but before you believe it, it won’t matter.
On Yom Kippur a few years ago, I was invited to break the fast with a guy I was seeing at the time. He had a cool job and cool friends, he was tall and attractive and nice and confident, and I wanted him to like me. A lot. I wanted to impress him. I spent so much time wanting to be wanted by him that I didn’t realize I didn’t even want him. Break Fast was at his family friend’s brownstone in Park Slope. The family could not have been nicer, and the spread could not have been better (Russ and Daughters lox and Bergen Bagels.) ((Do not eat the bagels from Russ and Daughters, they are bad. You must purvey the bagels and lox separately like a 1950’s housewife running errands.))
When we left the house, walking back to the subway, he apologized for being quiet. Well that’s not true, he said “I’m usually the one cracking jokes and making people laugh at those kinds of things.” It finally happened. A man was threatened by my sense of humor. I spent all night actively trying to be a good guest, helping with dishes, making good conversation, and it turned out I did such a good job that it made my date feel bad about himself.
I felt like Diana. I knew it wasn’t a good match with this guy because I felt cautious to shine around him. I felt that I should hold myself back. I knew immediately that I could never be happy with someone who was only getting a watered down version of me. And I knew that I wanted someone who would love my sense of humor, not view it as a threat.
I’m allowed to compare myself to a literal princess because I picked the princess who was car chased to her death. I have a weird feeling that I will get hit by a car one day because I have too much faith in people. I don’t always look so carefully when I’m crossing the street because I have a main character complex and I think I might be in the Truman Show. Also because my glasses are broken (until tomorrow) so I don’t have amazing depth perception.
Many of my female friends echo these insecure behaviors. We’re always thinking two steps ahead, we’re wondering how we look, how we are perceived. But in the end, it doesn’t matter how you come off, because there will always be people who don’t appreciate you. And the people who do appreciate you will be the mom of the family at the Break Fast. Moms love me because they feel they can trust their kids with me because I say things like “I know a yoga pose that helps with indigestion.”
“she never wanted to be the queen… she wanted to be the heart of the people.” I don’t want to be famous all the time, I just want people to feel good around me. More than that, I want to feel good around myself. I want to know what I want. And I want to stop using want so many times in one blog post. I know in my life I’ll always feel more fulfilled by my community than by any sort of broad recognition. And I statistically probably will never get broadly recognized. Famous people can be sad too. Anyone can be sad, except Jennifer Lopez apparently.
In conclusion, don’t try to be the queen. Try to be the heart of the people. Because at the end of the day, your legacy might be bike shorts.
Another piece of wisdom!
needed this today!!!