Oops!... I did it again.
Not everything I write will be phenomenal. I'm not Maurice Sendak.
It’s 2009 again. I’m worried about Britney Spears, I struggle with simple mental math, and a Democratic President is bombing Syria. Also, I ate cinnamon toast crunch for breakfast. Unlike 2009, today I ate it with almond milk from my workplace fridge. If it were 2009, I would have eaten EnviroKidz Gorilla Munch with Horizon Organic skim milk. My mom always told me to drink more milk and I never wanted to and now Rush Limbaugh is dead.
Anyway, Last week my roommates and I watched the Britney Spears documentary, essentially about how she isn’t in financial control of her life due to a conservatorship. Britney Spears was one of the formative figures of my childhood* I used to roll up my shirt so it was a crop top and dance around the living room to the My Prerogative CD. Sometimes I had a large blanket I draped around myself for the beginning vocals, and then I’d toss it off just before the dance break for my imaginary studio audience. After school I would come home and watch “Darrin’s Dance Grooves” on VCR to learn music video choreography. When I was little I wanted to be a professional music video dancer for my career. Now I am working overtime preparing for a financial audit from Amazon which is just as sexy if you ask me.
The famous incident of Britney shaving her head in 2007 made people think she was crazy. Unhinged. An unfit parent. In reality, she was at her limit with the amount of constant pressure and surveillance of the public eye. She dramatically changed her appearance as an act of rebellion against her public image. She didn’t tell me this but I think it’s a good guess. I remember being told by the media during this time that she was crazy. Calling women who need support “crazy” is a time honored tradition and it fucking sucks. No, your neighbor Winifred is not a witch, she just has her own opinions.
I know how shitty it feels to feel like you’re being watched and you’re not good enough. Every day when I leave my apartment I cannot shake the paparazzi. Just kidding. It’s 2009 and the Black Eyed Peas are trending again. It’s 2009 and I’m insecure about my body. It’s 2009 in my mind and I can’t look at a bag of chips without reading the nutrition facts. I hear women in the kitchen at work asking if the cake is tasty enough to be “worth it” to eat.
Let me be clear, this is not a critique of the women watching what they eat. I would never criticize a woman. I just don’t like the phrasing of “deserving” to eat. It’s harmful and it used to make me go to bed some nights in college without eating dinner so I’d look thinner in the mornings. If this is starting to read like a disjointed feminist theory paper I sincerely apologize. I was a Philosophy major so I am not trained to write about women.
Also, since when does shaving your head indicate that you’re going crazy? Hair is just hair. The only true mark of insanity is licking the frosting off of a cupcake first and then eating the cake part last. If any of you do this, please try not to take offense. My DM’s are always open if you need to talk.
My concluding thoughts are as follows: Stop telling women what to do. Unless you are a gynecologist. Or a scuba instructor. Basically, stop telling women what to do unless telling them would save their life.
Thank you for reading, Happy Purim, and #FreeBritney.
*Complete List of Formative Figures from my Childhood:
Britney Spears
Kenan Thompson
The entire cast of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
Miranda Cosgrove
Michael Pollan
Destiny’s Child
Limited Too (not a figure, but nevertheless a feeling; a presence)
Any Blonde Girl Who Was Mean to Me
Eponine from Les Mis
The Witch from Into the Woods
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
Amelia Bedelia
My neighbor who locked me out on her upstairs balcony
My neighbor’s brother who let me in when he heard me crying on the balcony
Squidward
Spongebob in the episode where he leaves the fridge open overnight and falls ill
Spongebob when he’s bad at driving
Eric Carle
The old lady who asks what Spongebob is selling (“Chocolate!!”)
James Bond