On Jesus and the U.S. Senate

Did I get your attention?

On May 1st, 2010 I was called to the Torah as a Bat Mitzvah. I put on my A cup bra, brushed my clear-braced teeth, straightened my hair and strapped on my Nordstrom Teen kitten heels. My Torah portion was about how if you wanted to be a religious leader in ancient times, you had to be “without blemish.” My mom and dad ghost wrote my speech so naturally I talked about the Nixon Kennedy debate. 

I was not alive for this telecast but from what I vaguely remember being yelled at me in an APUSH discussion at 7:35am, Kennedy won the election because he was hot. Also because a bunch of dead people in Chicago voted for him but I digress.

I will go ahead and say it, I think it sucks how much we focus on appearance. Of all the fascist whoopsies Trump has committed, so often the news focuses on his bad fake tans, his ugly outfits, and his angry tweets. We’re usually more lukewarm to war crimes as long as the President does them with a smile on his handsome face and a charismatic speech to go with it. Hitler was charismatic. Probably kind of hot without the mustache. I’m still convinced he was a bad dude.

So have we always been this shallow? I’d like to say no, but have you seen a picture of Jesus? He is always depicted beautifully. I’m not saying Jesus wasn’t hot, but I wonder if people would have followed him if he was ugly. I’d like to think that I would have listened based on the integrity of his ideas and not the tightness of his ass but I’m not sure. One time we had a distracted driving presentation in high school and the lawyer giving the presentation was so hot that my friends and I got distracted from the distracted driving speech. To this day though, I don’t text and drive. Driving is the one time I can blast the Aida Broadway Cast Recording soundtrack, and that time is precious.

Ok one more Jesus tangent- in college I had a very religious friend and her mom gently asked if I would be interested in converting to Christianity. She said she thought I was an amazing girl and she wished that I could go to heaven. I assumed this meant in my current trajectory I’m not going to heaven and I agree. I once had a pet frog and it died because I forgot to feed it for a week and then I threw it over my fence into my neighbor’s yard with a shovel. Overall, I was flattered that someone cared about me so much that they wanted to help me avoid burning in hell.

Right on cue, my friend just sent me a picture of Mitch McConnell’s hands. This was worse than an unsolicited **** ***. They look splotchy and scaly and generally bad. “They look frostbitten!” she says, aghast at the lifelessness in the hands of a literal sea goblin. I don’t care about the color of McConnell’s hands, I care that he stays up at night thinking of how many people he can passively kill and then blame AOC. I do hope his hands fall off from frostbite but before they do I hope he finds a good pen with dark ink to sign legislation that finally, once and for all, makes Sweetgreen illegal in the United States. 

Dianne Feinstein if you’re reading this retire bitch.