Oil Spill

In a few easy steps

Imagine, you’re hungry and tired and wanting to make something quick for dinner. You find the recipe. The one that sounds easy but delicious enough, and you have everything you need. You click on it, and suddenly you’re reading the story about how Tracy and her husband met. How when they lost their kitten, Basket, to feline melancholia, they decided to make a change in their lives and in their diets. You did not sign up for this. You are just hungry. You scroll and scroll and finally get to the bottom.

I won’t do this to you, dear reader. Unless you think I already did. Good thing Pillowtown is free. Here it is, I put together a recipe. If you make this and it’s bad then you can call your Senator. 

Warm Kale Salad

(serves 4. Or you, 4 times, or you, 2 big times.)

Ingredients:

For the stuff-

1 bunch Tuscan kale, chopped

1 large honeycrisp apple, diced

2 honeynut squash, halved and seeded

1 sweet potato, diced

1 lb brussels sprouts, halved

½ of a large onion, cut into large chunks

Aleppo pepper

Chile powder

Coriander

Dried thyme

Salt and pepper

Olive oil

Dressing-

Dijon mustard

Olive oil

Apple cider vinegar

Maple syrup/honey

Salt

1. Preheat oven to 425

2. Place the rinsed and chopped kale into a bowl and drizzle with olive oil. Massage well until it softens and shines. Supposedly massaging kale makes it easier to digest and makes it less chewy. But don’t believe everything you read on the internet.

3. Add apples to the massaged kale and set aside.

4. Add sweet potato, brussels, and onion to a large baking sheet and season with whatever amount of the spices I listed or something totally different. Seasoning the food you cook in your home is one of the only remaining true forms of autonomy we have. Cherish it.

5. Add the squash to another pan (or the same one if you have a normal adult size oven, I can’t relate) and just drizzle with olive oil. 

6. Put everything in the oven.

7. Think about every time you’ve ever embarrassed yourself.

8. Make the dressing.

9. Put on a TV show that you like. Something that is thought provoking but not self-serious. Funny but not stupid. Something that makes you wonder if you’ll ever be good enough to make lasting art.

10. I don’t know how long to roast the vegetables for. Every oven is different, every crispiness preference is different, there’s so much we don’t know. That’s why I told you to watch TV so you’re not pacing around the kitchen wondering when your food will be ready. Maybe 30 minutes? 

11. Whenever the vegetables are roasted to your liking, add them to the kale and apples and stir. Add the dressing and you guessed it, stir again.

12. Pick up the olive oil bottle to place it back on its shelf.

13. Drop the glass olive oil bottle onto the ground.

14. Just straight onto the ground.

15. Take a second to really look at what just happened. Watch as the oil careens around the tiles. Watch as it pools into the uneven grout and under the rolling cart. Take inventory of all the pieces of glass on the ground. Some are big chunks, some are tiny shards. Take a look at what you’ve done. The beautiful mess you’ve made. Look at your beautiful warm kale salad and tell it you’ll come back for it, just as soon as you deal with your moisturized floor.

16. Pick up all the glass. I’d say to put on shoes first but you’re already wearing shoes. You’re wearing your favorite Costco slippers. They are now fully soaked in single origin extra virgin olive oil. Start with the big pieces and work your way to the smaller shards. 

17. Grab whatever dish towels you own and start attempting to absorb all the oil. 

18. Spray cleaning spray all over the floor.

19. Cry, but just for a second. And not necessary because of the oil, but because of it all. Bad things can happen, even though you are so nice.

20. Wipe the floors again with the cleaning spray. By now, your home should be filled with the warm aromas of fall, of spiced sqaush and charred onion, and the abrasive lemon of Mr. Clean.

21. Wash your hands, making sure to get rid of any microscopic pieces of glass. Think about how $15 pad see ew really isn’t that expensive when you think about it.

22. After you’ve vacuumed and you can be proud of your effort, eat your kale salad. Then rest, Tomorrow is a new day. You need to go to the store for olive oil and paper towels.

The best thing I ate this week:

Was Annies mac and cheese when I woke up at 2pm today. That’s what happens when you get home at 4am. My life in New York is very sexy. At a party last night I met a man from Ohio and when I told him I went to Michigan he told me to “go fuck” myself. His name was Noah and he went to Dartmouth and I think it’s the beginning of a beautiful love story. People are always trying to get me to care about football but I can’t because I’d prefer it if the guys did a big choreographed dance. My mac and cheese was good because I used Kerrygold butter to make the sauce. Kerrygold- forget about the guy at the party who told you to go fuck yourself and indulge in grass-fed goodness.