There are two types of people in the world. Those who had sex in high school and those who didn’t. The people who had sex in high school were usually members of the basketball team, the football team, the dance team, or people whose parents let them host parties. Not just any parties, parties with Pineapple Burnett's vodka. If you haven’t had Pineapple Burnett's vodka, imagine what it would taste like to drink a bottled scream.
I didn’t have sex in high school. And not because I didn’t want to, but because I was too busy planning the fundraisers. Fundraisers take a lot of planning. You have to secure the event space, decorate, figure out snacks, tell people about it, hire security if it’s at school, all while juggling your career as a student sketch comedian.
So the other day on the train, I ran into a boy from my high school. Without giving up his identity, let’s say he was in the “sex in high school” camp. He saw me before I saw him.
“Rachel?”
You don’t want to hear your name on the subway. It feels like seeing your teacher at the grocery store. The subway is for reflecting on your deepest thoughts or playing Two Dots or eavesdropping.
So this boy, let’s call him Jim, approaches me and we start talking. Jim and I weren’t friends in high school. The “having sex” didn’t mix with the “not having sex.” What would we talk about? Jim and I did about 26 years of catching up in the span of 40 minutes on a crowded 3 train. It felt flirty. Was he flirting with me? Was I flirting back?
We talked about the only thing we had in common— updates on people we went to highschool with. Who got married? Who joined a cult? He saw I was doing comedy. He said he had great ideas for my act. I love when boys tell me that. This post is actually ghost written by a guy I went on one date with who “used to want to write for TV.”
He gave me his number and I texted him. We have the same area code because we went to high school together. I’m Jewish and he isn’t. We both have brown hair. He lives in Manhattan and I live in Brooklyn. Shakespeare wrote a play about this.
Shortly into the text conversation it became clear that he didn’t want to take me out on a date. He wanted to do the other thing. The thing basketball players do in high school. The thing that high schoolers do in Euphoria. My idea of reconnecting with an old acquaintance and seeing where it goes was fading fast. I felt like a piece of meat.
If any of this makes me seem like I’m on an anti-sex crusade, I’m not. I just am not a fan of casual sex. Take me to dinner first. Take me to the park at least. You don’t even have to pick me up, I love to walk. To me, sex is just about the closest two people can be. Second only to playing Rock Band.
I don’t know how to live a carefree life. I can’t go with the flow. The first time I attempted to put in a tampon it was before my mandatory swim test at camp and I got scared that I would put it in too far and it would get lost in my body and end up lodged somewhere in my gallbladder so I just put it in halfway and folks, that is worse.
Jim wanted to sleep with me. This would not have happened in high school. Because he was busy playing football and I was busy decorating the gym. He was getting drunk with his friends and I was watching “Best of Gilda Radner” compilations on my polka-dot comforter.
And it’s not that I wouldn’t have slept with Jim. It’s just that this whole thing came about because I asked if he wanted to go mini golfing. I asked if he wanted to experience the purest form of joy that America has conjured and he shut down. Apparently that was too intimate of an idea. Too boyfriend-y of a suggestion. Mini golfing is a slippery slope to marriage.
He didn’t want to take me anywhere, he wanted to sleep with me first. And I don’t blame him, I’ve been deep conditioning my hair and I know he could tell.
I’m not worried about Jim reading this. If he does read this, I’m fine with that. I think it’s pretty good. Maybe one day a guy who didn’t go to high school with me will take me mini golfing. We can argue over who gets the red ball and then after we can get smash burgers. Maybe he’ll tell me about how he also didn’t have sex in high school. He was probably on the debate team.
Jim, if you are reading this, you’re right. You do have some good material.
Excellent episode of sex in the city
This is so good I loved the last line so much