KEY RACE ALERT: NEVADA RESULTS
Made ya look
Have you ever had a thought so profoundly dumb that you had to take a seat right after and make sure that actually came from your brain? My friend (who lives in Paris) called me the other day, and I thought to myself “wow, he’s 6 hours ahead so he’s gonna find out the election results 6 hours before we do.”
I’m not saying that a woman can’t be President, just maybe not me. The point is, I’m okay with being dumb sometimes. We’ve all been there! We slip up, say something stupid, and the world keeps turning. Except if you are a flat-earther in which case your stupid thought is predicated on the world not turning.
But I don’t want to keep boring you with tales of my incompetence. We all have brain farts, so I want to encourage you to plow past them and continue being your intelligent self. Today I want to talk about confidence. What confidence means to me! You know, like that Broadway play (that reference was for about 4 people.) I am working on a confidence guide for you, my devoted fans. I know all 124 of you read this every week, so I wanted to give you something useful (see how confident that was)
Step 1: Always speak in the active voice. Be direct and say what’s on your mind.
Quick grammar break: Active Vs. Passive voice- which one sounds better:
The one man was killed by a bullet that traveled into his chest after it was launched out of a gun held by a man 5 feet away, but the other man was not killed by the bullet from the gun because he was not near the man that the gun was being held by
I shot the sheriff (but I did not shoot the deputy)
Step 2: After you speak your mind, don’t go back on it. Don’t try to soften your words and thoughts for the comfort of those whose stomachs can’t handle your tequila shot mind. If someone makes you feel like you are too much, they are too little.
Step 3: Get a pair of those fashionable white sneakers. You know the ones, they come in many shapes and sizes. The air force ones, the Filas, the Pumas, Supergas, Adidas, you name it. Some people have branded these as “basic” but I fucking hate that word. There’s nothing “basic” about wanting to follow a trend so you have some semblance of a feeling of belonging in our divided world. Is that too intense for a conversation about white sneakers? Are tennis shoes not the thing that will unite us? Maybe. All I know is that when I wear my white sneakers it feels like I wasn’t rejected from most of the sororities on day one of rush.
Step 4: Text them whenever you want. Don’t wait an hour because you don’t want to seem eager, don’t hesitate to avoid double texting, just send the message. Life is too short, and I promise you they are not analyzing the cadence of the conversation as deeply as you are. If they don’t respond to you for a while it doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they put their damn phone down for a while. You could learn from that!!! Read a book. Learn how to play the pan flute. Start a newsletter.
Step 4.5: Double texting someone you like is not crazy, earnestly watching Friends is. Have the confidence of a person who tries to tell you that Friends is a comedy show.
Step 5: Understand that people/jobs/friends/lovers come in and out of your life for a reason. Don’t chase anyone who isn’t chasing you. (This rule does not apply to the game of “tag.”) Getting fired from my sales job was the best thing to ever happen to me, because now I work down the hall from the creator of Gilmore Girls. Or as my inner monologue thinks, I am the Head Writer for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I had a close friend in elementary school but one day she locked me outside on her second story balcony for half an hour and I almost contemplated jumping off. That friendship wasn’t sustainable, and leaving it left room for better people. (Like my friend in 3rd grade who had Kraft mac and cheese in her house whereas my household was strictly Annie’s.)
Step 6: Speak softly and carry a big stick. This is not my advice, it’s from Teddy Roosevelt. I actually like to do the exact opposite. I say speak loudly and carry a small stick. Like some jerky to snack on. Please don’t take any advice from Teddy Roosevelt.
Step 5 tho.....