In Conclusion

part three of three

I’m not okay, but I will be. It’s hard to eat and it’s hard to sleep. My body feels heavy and my head feels light. The rug was pulled out from under me and I’m walking on wood and getting splinters. I’m not okay, but I will be.

Welcome to the third and final installment of my heartbreak series. This series was unplanned and unwelcome but every day I realize it was right and necessary. I choose to give myself three weeks to process through this publicly in the hopes that some of what I’m feeling resonates with anyone and helps them feel less alone in life. I’ll continue for a long time to process through this privately. Unless someone pays me to write my show, in which case I will process through this on HBO Max. I’m not okay, but I will be.

The timeline for healing is unwritten. I don’t know what to do most days. Everyone processes things differently, I know that, but I just want a handbook. Some people move on in only 4 days, and I commend them for that. I can’t imagine connecting with someone new in a time like this. I am just trying to stay connected with myself and even that is hard most of the time. 

I am learning to let myself be sad. So sad. I’m sad that I didn’t see this coming but also that I kind of did and didn’t want to think about it. I wanted my relationship to work so badly that I started focusing on the future more than I focused on the present. I do that in other categories of life and I’m working on it. 

It’s ok if everyone knows I’m not taking this well. Why are we supposed to save face? Who am I saving it for? I feel like shit and I cry a lot. If that makes me pathetic or if that makes me pitiful then so be it. There were times in my life when I wasn’t and there will be those times again. I reject the idea that women have to be strong all the time. I am so weak right now and that feels okay, it feels real. These feelings are incomparable and I don’t care to hold them in. 

I don’t want to project an image that I’m doing well. I want to tell the whole world that I’m hurting and I’m sad and I was surprised and I am feeling down. And I’m so exhausted. I don’t want to post a beautiful picture on Instagram or take down the ones of us. I don’t want to put on a smile. I want to tell everyone who will listen that I did everything I could to be a great girlfriend, to be everything I thought he could want. And in the end it didn’t matter and I shouldn’t have had to try so hard. I’ve been hurt so similarly before. I don’t think people change, I think they shift. They have the same behaviors and mechanisms and phrases but they’re presented in different looking boxes with different colored bows. 

I know I will have more love in the future and I am not afraid. I know what it feels like to be loved. I wasn’t replaced because I’m irreplaceable. I was left and I’m not embarrassed and I’m not ashamed and I’m not okay but I will be. I’m so full of hope. It’s what gets me out of bed and into a dance class and into a bagel store and into my life again. Better days are ahead, and if anyone knows any real estate agents, I’m looking for an apartment. Thanks for tuning in, I’ll be back with jokes soon enough.