Thinly slice 2 red onions.
Hop onto the counter and reach up to get a glass container.
Put all the onions in the container.
Discover that all the onions don’t fit in the container, but realize that you don’t want to go through the effort of finding another matching lid, so leave a handful of the sliced onions in a bowl (we’ll come back to these).
Unlock your phone again and pull up the recipe, again.
While you’re on your phone, go ahead and open Instagram.
Check in on your IGTV video from deep in quarantine and remain ever thankful that the internet is forever.
Close Instagram and open Facebook.
Immediately close Facebook, are you ok?
Go get the apple cider vinegar from the pantry.
Oh, no apple cider vinegar? Any vinegar will do. Now, if the recipe fails it automatically isn’t your fault. Think about your attachment style and then immediately shove that thought away.
Find the salt!
Sprinkle too much salt into the container. You will discover 24 hours later that this ruined the onions, but for now you just feel fancy because you “eye-balled” something like you’re Ina Garten in 2012
Now add the sugar. Fuck! Remember when you had pantry moths and had to throw out your dry goods this summer? Well, you never replaced the sugar. All you can find is your roommate’s THC honey. Flash back to the last time you had an edible and you cried in the cheese section of the grocery store. You sat on the ground and cried in front of the gouda. You can’t go back there, you can’t risk that.
Look harder for regular honey. Found it! Now squirt some honey in the container, close the lid, and shake. Put it in the fridge overnight.
Once you close the fridge, look back at the counter to find the rest of your onions. Put them in a pan with some oil and pull a stool up to the stove. Sit cross legged at the stove slowly caramelizing onions and call your friend. As the onions brown, think about why they brown. Think back to chemistry. What was that called? The Maillard reaction. Why don’t you remember anything else? Oh because during chemistry you sat in the back and spent the whole semester writing down quotes from your teacher and not practicing stoichiometry. Shit! The onions are burning, time to stir.
As the smell of caramelized onions fills the apartment, you’ll find yourself hungry. Go on your phone and order thai food from seamless. When it arrives, remember that one time you requested extra limes and now every time it comes there are 2-3 limes and you get surprised every time even though you literally asked for this.
As you eat the food that someone else prepared for you, remember when you were sad freshman year of college and applied to transfer to culinary school in Rhode Island. Be thankful that you didn’t professionally train to be a chef, because then you would not have gotten the opportunity to do college improv. When you finish your pad thai, go drink some water. If there’s a cockroach in the bathroom, have your roommate kill it. And then watch the ending scene of When Harry Met Sally on your phone and cry just a drop. Realize the thing you most envy from that movie is Meg Ryan’s hair, and fall asleep. Don’t forget to wait until the morning to discover your pickled onions taste like shit.
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i miss those improv shows :'(