Before I begin I want to condemn Israel’s violent actions against the Palestinian people. I want to mourn the loss of children’s lives in a conflict they were born into and had no part in creating. I’m a Jew and as such it is my responsibility to call out genocidal behavior when I see it. This is not a political blog so I’m not going to get into it, but I do talk about my life here and I’m only able to do that because I don’t fear getting bombed every day. I’m luckier than most.
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I celebrated my birthday this weekend. I mentioned in my New Year’s Eve post that I consider my birthday more of a new year than January 1st and I stand by that. Before I fully launch into my two dozenth journey around the sun I wanted to take the time to recall everything I learned in my 23rd year. I just turned 24 and now I know everything there is to know about love, laughter, loss, and laundry. The four pillars of life on earth.
Forgive me PillowTown, for I have sinned. In my first post, on August 9th 2020, I made you a promise:
In the past 9 or so months, I’ve dropped the ball. Today is a Monday, most of my recent posts haven’t been on Thursdays, AND I got a boyfriend but I’m still talking. I was being honest with you when I set these intentions. But intentions are just that- and intent is not always the result.
In my 23rd year I began my first serious relationship. For those of you who don’t know, I have a boyfriend named Evan. He has reddish hair, blue eyes, and I don’t know his blood type but I can ask. We actually went on our first date December 19th, 2017 but we both had a lot of growing to do before we found our way back together. We make each other laugh and we make each other snacks, and we’re happy just sitting. I always wanted to fall in love with a person who I could just sit with.
I had a lot of ideas about what being in love would feel like and how my day to day would change. The main change is there are two talking heads in the ever-present conundrum of am I ordering tacos or sushi for dinner. I figured if I got into a relationship I would stop feeling the need to express myself online. I assumed that being in love would fill a creative space and make me feel seen in ways I had never been before. Being in love has just made me want to write more. And more. I have so many opinions and so much criticism and maybe an even more keen eye for detail. I feel confident and secure in my relationship. I know that no matter what happens each day, I have someone who loves me and thinks I’m pretty, smart and funny (the triple threat.) Because of that, it gives me the freedom to run my damn mouth. That’s my feminist agenda.
Over the past year, I’ve eaten a tremendous amount of Caesar salad. I’ve clued you into my journey of incorporating cheese back into my life and what better way than god’s greatest salad. I’m getting back in touch with my body and I’m rebuilding my relationship to food. I’ve had it at multiple restaurants, I’ve made the dressing myself, I’ve had it on romaine and kale and little gem and I’ve had it with bread crumbs and croutons and tomatoes. The Caesar salad is theater to me. My fondest memory of eating at a fancy restaurant as a kid was when the waiter would mix the dressing table-side. It’s rich and creamy and fresh and crunchy. It is balanced and salty and decadent and nostalgic. All that in a wooden bowl with some anchovies on top. I’m eating things that make me happy again.
In my 23rd year, I got a tattoo. A permanent thing on my impermanent body. It made me feel confident and in control and grounded. It also made me feel kind of cool. And it made me realize that something I thought about for 5 years could be over in 20 minutes and that made me laugh. It’s important for me to continue my journey of not taking myself too seriously, because now there’s a carrot on my arm and the world still turns.
In my 23rd year I had a consultation with a laser hair removal spa. It was over zoom and I described how I have pale skin and dark hair and she said “you’re a perfect candidate for our service.” I ultimately decided against it because some day I might want all my leg hair like that year at camp before I had ever shaved and a girl named Jess told me my legs looked like a man. I also didn’t want to do it because I don’t like sitting still for an extended period of time unless it’s every day at my job or getting a manicure or watching TV or scrolling on my phone.
This past year, I reached out to a holistic nutrition coach on Instagram. She told me she could guide me through a customized plan to make my gut healthy, to clear my skin, and to kickstart my overall wellness journey. I might take her up on the offer. She lives in Bushwick and has a hairless cat and I think I would trust her with my life. I used to love cooking and feeding my body good things, and then I started working in TV and now all I care about is money and power. Just kidding. But I don’t have a ton of free time. Or power, yet.
In my 23rd year I bought a yoga mat. It’s teal and when I roll it up it fits in the only square foot of free space in my tiny bedroom. I am going to use it more. I am writing this as a mandate to future me. I need to move my body more and take care of myself. In my 23rd year I learned that I need to put on my own oxygen mask first. I would like to think (and feel free to go off in the comments) that I have strengthened my friendships this year. I learned how to be happy by myself and take nights off and those boundaries helped me show up for people in more sustainable ways.
Maybe this was my year of hedonism. Maybe my year of discovering that life is precious and short and tiny bullshit does not fit into my schedule. When I turned 23 it was two months into the pandemic and I didn’t know where I would be over the next year. I celebrated 23 at home with my family, we watched the Godfather and ate chicken parm and caesar salad. I celebrated 24 with my friends and family. We sat and laughed and ate caesar salad. My new year’s resolution is to show up for myself so I can show up for you. And to live a life with extra parm on top. And some croutons. Ciao!