Last month my workplace held an after-hours, voluntary, self-defense workshop. It was offered to us in light of a recent Random Punching Incident in New York. This is how it went.
The event, as with every work event, began with free food. The food was an assortment of catered Jersey Mike’s subs. Starting with cold cuts was a good idea, it helped set the scene. Most likely if I’m out walking alone at night I will be full of salty meat. So we were simulating the realistic conditions for me to be accurately prepared.
The group in attendance was a bunch of women in my office. As we were eating our salami wraps, the instructor walked in. He was a fit but not super buff man, and he had a tattoo of a roaring lion on his bicep so we knew we could trust his expertise.
First, we gathered around in a circle. He introduced himself, and walked us through what we would cover over the next 90 minutes. Then he asked us to start running around.
In high school there was this thing that boys would do for attention called the burrito mile. The burrito mile is when you eat an entire Chipotle burrito and then run a mile as fast as you can. It usually ended with most of them throwing up. I think this is what happens when you don’t talk about your feelings.
So there I was, running around my office gym, burping cold cuts and wondering how this was going to prepare me to defend myself in the wild. Turns out it was a warm-up to get us in the zone. It taught me that I should always have ginger chews on my person.
We got back into the circle for lesson 1: Create space so you don’t have to fight.
We were supposed to create the maximum amount of space between ourselves and our attacker to avoid contact or confrontation. Unlike in my previous self defense class (in 4th grade Hebrew School where we were taught how to DISARM SOMEONE WHEN THEY WERE POINTING A GUN AT YOU), today’s class was erring on the side of pacifism. This lesson was not about teaching us how to fight. Because you can’t teach someone how to properly fight in 90 minutes. (Again, in 4th grade I was told which part of the gun to grab to take it from my attacker without accidentally firing it at myself). Today was about teaching us how to do everything in our power to avoid a fight. Today was about flight.
This is when we partnered up. In pairs, we were all supposed to take turns being the “attacker” and the “defender.” I was never good at soccer. The problem with this exercise was that we were all coworkers, and thus not willing to fully “attack” our desk-mates. So what followed was a chorus of “I’m sorry! Did my acrylics scratch you?” “Let me know if my grip is too tight!” “Can I help you up?”
Lesson 2: “You can’t catch a cat because it doesn’t want to be caught.”
I love when the English language is used to both confuse and delight the reader into a victim-blaming mentality. I love when the fitness instructor gets metaphorical. We were being compared to cats- animals that are famously agile with an inability to fall down. And nine lives. And retractable claws. We moved on from this point quickly.
Lesson 3: The spin move.
Throughout the night, we were repeatedly told that if we couldn’t overpower our attacker, we might as well try to confuse the shit out of them. You can’t catch a cat because, what is that guy doing? How is he on top of the fridge? Why did he just jump sideways at his own shadow? What I took away from this is, always be moving, always be spinning. Never let them know your next move.
Lesson 4: Focus on the nose and groin.
This is for if all of the above fail. He could not have been more clear- aim for your attacker’s face and balls. The two things they care about the most.
During my 90 minute corporate sponsored self-defense class, I didn’t learn much about fighting, but I learned a lot about the power of a good apology. When in doubt, ask your attacker “if that makes sense.” I learned that like cats, women do have claws. They just cost $45 plus tip. I learned that downing cold cuts before a light jog would produce an uncomfortable sensory experience, and I learned that as a woman, my greatest power is being elusive. Also, this night confirmed what I already knew to be true. I’d rather be in my house.