Diary Entry, Anarchist Jurisdiction
A day in the life of a radical snowflake
5am- Wake up and hail Satan
5:15am- Go back to sleep for a few more hours. It’s easy to sleep with all my government handouts cushioning me!
9am- Wake up for real this time and immediately pledge disobedience to the flag.
9:30am- Make breakfast. It’s cereal but I only drink oat almond soy or hemp milk. Cow’s milk is for PATRIOTS who SUCKLE at the TEAT of big government.
10am- Head out for my morning stroll. Every time I pass a cop I blast “fuck the police” by NWA but in my AirPods because I’m scared of confrontation.
10:04am- When the crosswalk gives me the signal to walk- I don’t. You think I’m gonna listen to the GOVERNMENT? I carry a snare drum with me at all times. I march to the beat of my own drum.
11am- Head to my favorite coffee shop for a cold brew. I get one pump of vanilla pumpkin spice. It’s called Starbucks and I like it there because it’s the only place I can listen to Michael Buble without getting bullied.
11:15am- Walk past the climate clock in Union Square on my way to buy an $18 loaf of bread at the farmer’s market. I like being reminded that climate change is my fault.
11:30am- After my coffee it’s time to take an anarchist poop.
12pm- Time for my daily abortion! I get an abortion every day with my government covid stimulus check money. I believe life begins when you can chew solid food.
12:30pm- Burn 1,000 copies of the US Constitution in the middle of Times Square.
1pm-4pm- I take my afternoon nap I’m lazy and I hate contributing to the economy. I’m also vegan which means I’m iron and B12 deficient so I simply don’t have the energy.
4:15pm- I call this “Amendment Destruction Hour” because I go around demanding that people listen to my agenda and then I take their guns away.
5:15pm- It’s time for dinner, so I go home and my roommates and I sit around a table Les Mis style and talk about how we’re doing on revolution planning. We’re also making fried tofu in a chili garlic sauce.
6pm- I call all 100 US Senators and tell them to eat my shorts.
8pm- I film my nightly TikTok live. I use TikTok to undermine national elections and create chaos. And I do my little dances.
9pm- Time for a second dinner. I rip up grass from the sidewalk and put it in my Vitamix with a shot of tequila. It keeps me lean and irritable when I’m fighting cops.
10pm- Time for bed! It’s been a long day of terrorizing the town. At night I dream of taking away men’s rights.