Anything Goes

For Erin

What’s the weirdest thing you have in your childhood bedroom? Ok I’ll go first, I have a tube of Maybelline Red Super Stay 24-Hour Lip Stain from 2012. On second thought, it’s not weird. It just has a very specific meaning to me. I bought this lip stain when I was cast as a featured dancer in my high school’s production of Anything Goes. Anything Goes is a Cole Porter musical about Reno Sweeney, a night club singer on a cruise ship. Just YouTube search Sutton Foster’s Tony performance and you’ll get the gist.

My name in the show was “Charity” which is like if a fun-loving stripper from the 1930’s was also sad. Since Charity only had one line (“Hey! Watch where you’re going!”) I was told to write a backstory for her so I could have something to think about when I walked and danced around on stage. I said she grew up in Brooklyn. I added that she had a pretty easy life but then her husband left her and she joined Reno Sweeney on tour to sort of Eat Pray Love and start anew. I wore a short curly wig for the show, and it rocked. I sometimes want to cut my hair really short and then I remember that my favorite thing in the world is doing that George Washington hair flip thing in the pool.

I had to buy this lip stain because we needed red lips that would last through singing, dancing, sweating, quick changes, and horrible attempts at flirting in the wings when our mics were off. But the problem with lip stain is it does exactly that. I would get home at 11pm during tech week and scrub my face with a wash cloth until I wasn’t sure if my lips were still painted or if they were just bleeding. Theater was the closest thing I had to a sport. If high school theater is a football team, the stage manager is the quarterback, the rest of the tech crew is the rest of the team, and the performers are the announcer guys up in the booth because we love the way our voice sounds in a microphone.

I don’t know why I haven’t thrown out this lip stain over the past 8 years. I guess it isn’t taking up space, but is that reason enough to keep something? When I open my drawer to grab a pen to write a note I see it and it makes me smile. I think about how hot and confident I felt when I wore it. I think about how I felt being on a stage in front of a large audience for the first time. And I think about my friend Erin.

Erin was the lead of the musical, and she was spectacular in every way. She landed the role as a sophomore, which was very controversial to people who were jealous of her/less talented. The concept of paying your dues and working your way up to the lead didn’t apply to Erin. She auditioned and she was simply the best. She was the most talented person to ever come through our school and everyone knew it. The only bad performance she had was when we tried making pasta from scratch one New Years and we added double the amount of flour but neverthelessly persisted and ate it anyway. She taught me that if you cover anything with enough sauce, it becomes okay.

When Erin passed away in February it didn’t make any sense. Her family referred to her as a baby because at 22, that’s what you are. She had so much left to give for a person who had already given so much. Erin and I both loved attention, a lot. So much so that sometimes we fought about it. We fought about boys and dance groups and being famous. I don’t know how to put her life into words without sounding cliche. Nobody really does, and that’s why cliches are cliche. We didn’t keep in touch that much after graduation but we checked in on each other occasionally to discuss new Paramore singles and exchange niche restaurant recs. Essentials only. When Trump won in 2016 she texted me that Hillary losing felt like when I lost the student body President election. She rooted for me even when I didn’t deserve it.

We talked about being exhausted and anxious and not feeling like we were going to be good enough for anyone. She taught me tricks about certain teas that helped your vocal chords and how to make sure your lipstick never smudged. I miss her every day.

When I look at photos of myself and my friends in this musical it reminds me of the hours of work put in after school to be part of a production. To make something happen. There is so much joy in being part of a team, especially when that team is doing vocal warm-ups behind a mildew soaked props closet. And when I look at this lip stain it reminds me of a time when I felt most like myself, even in a wig and a costume. I can’t wait to be able to perform again, and to watch others do the same. But maybe this time when I get dressed, I’ll stick to Burt's Bees.