A pleasure to have in class
my big beautiful brain and all her twists and turns
I have a hard time focusing. I think I would be a really good DJ because they always seem to be pressing different buttons and turning things and yelling. I love that. Part of growing up is understanding what you’re good at, what you like to do, what you’re bad at, what you have to do, and getting an oil change. I don’t need my oil changed because I just found a Tuscan extra virgin blend from Whole Foods that I put in my engine and it’s been running like a champ.
That right there was a tangent. I do them a lot because as I said, I have a hard time focusing. I find myself and my mind running in a million directions because it always feels safer for me to jump around rather than sit in my feelings. Or my tasks. I love cocktail hour at a party because I get to just have one bite of a million things. Or a million bites of one thing. If you put 2 hot dogs in front of me and told me to eat them I would roll my eyes. But, if carefully scattered throughout the night, you hand me ¼ of a hotdog in 8 increments on blue toothpicks and I can dip them in grainy mustard, that’s a party.
In 3rd grade my report card reported that I was “an eager participant in class” whose “enthusiasm is sometimes distracting to her peers.” I took this as a great compliment because all I want to do in life is take people’s attention away from boring things. That’s what showbiz is all about and life is a circus and I’m the elephant wearing a funky shawl. My name is Trixie and I am here to make you laugh and smile. And I can make loud noises on command. My poops are so big you can weigh them on a scale. And I have a big heart.
Basically, I’ve always liked to distract other people because I’ve always been distracted myself. If I go down I’m taking you with me. Many of you reading this have tried and failed to “do homework” with me. I simply don’t have the patience. I’ve never gotten work done in a library because there are too many other fun things to do. (Distract your friends from their physiology and or computer science work while you explain your theory that Godzilla and King Kong are the same guy.) ((In college I used to go to the main library because they had the flavor of sabra snack packs I liked and I used my dining hall money to buy them.))
Are you distracted yet?
Here’s a thought that just came to me. People are so dramatic. I’m not, but people are. This girl on TikTok said that she just discovered mini mozzarella balls from Trader Joes that “changed her life completely.” I used to want to have kids so I could understand the feeling of loving something more than yourself. Of fulfilling your earthly biological purpose. Now I know that in order to change my life I need to look no further than Trader Schwartz’s Everything But the Matzo Ball Soup Mix.
We all need to be distracted from time to time. Life can be so hard and sad. We need to stop what we’re doing and eat mozzarella balls between work calls. We need to watch a video of a monkey opening an Amazon package and taking out a box of fruit snacks and opening the pack and eating the fruit snacks. Monkeys are just like us but without the racism and pollution. I would like to adopt a monkey and teach it to do my job for me so I could spend my day looking mysterious in McCarren park and training dogs to do high fives but with the fake out “too slow!” and slide their paw behind their head.
You guys, I know I said these posts would go out every Thursday and I’ve dropped the ball on that. But the truth is, I can’t predict the future. I don’t know if on a Thursday I’ll want to write or want to cry. Sometimes it’s both but that’s just the lucky days. I’m happy to announce that I have almost 150 loyal pillowfreaks and with just 10-15,000 more I could make this my full time job, and then I’d have some Substack exec telling me I need to make my deadlines “or else.” Until then, I write when I’m moved. Or when I need a distraction.
I want to leave you with some closing remarks, like a good vague commencement speech from a notable alum in the tech industry. Go out there and follow your dreams, whatever they are. Tell the girl you love her. Buy the organic celery because it’s on the dirty dozen list. Never let anyone tell you you’re not good enough to be an orthopedic surgeon. Surgery isn’t hard, it’s just that standing in one place for hours is difficult. And please, if you only remember one thing, stay distracted. You can focus when you’re dead. Xoxo, sweet dreams, and live from New York, it’s Saturday morning.