500 words of summer

a byte sized reading for your Monday

I have tried, in some way, to write this week’s post for the last 4 days straight. As you hopefully know, I’m incredibly stubborn and I won’t break my once a week streak until at least August (when I’ll have been doing this for a full year). But even the greatest artists can’t produce only hits (see: the new Lorde song) so I am leaning into the fact that I don’t have it in me to write cohesively this week. So here are just some things I know to be true. In 500 words or less.

• A Pekingese dog named Wasabi was just crowned best in show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. I have a maltese-poodle named Daisy who is afraid of balloons but not thunder. 

• There should be only one kind of milk. And not from a cow, because that seems to make a lot of people feel bad. But I imagine a G7 conference for Milk Leaders (Almond, Soy, Oat, Breast) where they can get together and make some super milk that everyone agrees upon.

• When you lose something, it’s always going to turn up in the last place you look. When I lose something, no matter what it is, I always look in my fridge. In my 24 years of life I’ve never found a missing item inside my fridge. But that won’t stop me from trying.

• A boneless wing is a chicken nugget. Please, own up to your decision as an adult to order chicken nuggets at dinner. A wing without a bone is not a wing, it is a meatball. If a chicken was born with boneless wings it could not fly. I’m getting a word from my producers that chickens can’t fly anyway and that’s besides the point.

• Peloton said, “Let’s combine the two things people love the most: aerobic exercise and stand up comedy.” 

• A lot of my friends are going to grad school. I’m not going to grad school because the last paper I wrote in college was about free will and I titled it “Free Willy” and I got a B+ and I want to end my academic career on that note.

• Any blended icy alcoholic drink that isn’t a piña colada is a waste of time. 

• I’ve never blacked out from alcohol in my life. In fact, I’d argue that I’ve never actually been really drunk. As an anxious person I like to be in control. The most drunk I’ve ever been was at the Carlsberg brewery tour in Copenhagen. I was with my friends and we were only drinking beer but it was a tasting so it ended up being a lot. I didn’t black out but I will say that I’m not exactly sure how we got from the brewery to the burger place where we had dinner. All I know is I’ve never been inebriated enough to fail a dinner mission.

• I want to set up a food truck at the entrance to the Holland Tunnel. Sometimes I think the cure for everything is just a well-timed snack. I should run for mayor.