36 Questions That Lead To Something

Adapted from the New York Times without permission

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you call to get rid of a cockroach?

2. Do you stand firmly against Conde Nast in their unfair treatment of the Bon Appetit Test Kitchen Video Staff?

3. Before going out to eat, do you read the menu and decide what to get beforehand or have you never suffered from anxiety?

4. What is it going to take for you to stop asking me to go on a CitiBike with you?

5. Why were you not shown enough love as a child?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind of “Holes” writer Louis Sachar or the body of me at age 17 when I was dance captain of the musical but still had body dysmorphia, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about who killed Jeffrey Epstein?

8. Name three things you love about yourself and three that you hate. Glass half full!

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? (Skip? This one is boring)

10. Who would you cast in a dramatic reenactment of your parent’s divorce?

11. Take four minutes and tell me your life story Pictionary style with this pen and whiteboard.

12. Can you poach an egg? Why do you think you’re better than everyone else?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what deep body of water would you drop it into so you never have to know this info?

14. If you could get a tattoo of any member of The Beatles, why?

15. What is the purpose of *gestures around* all this?

16. Why would you throw away a friendship you value for the possibility of a relationship?

17. Where would you bury treasure?

18. Which Daughtry song do you want to be played at your funeral?

19. Did your mom cry when you got your license and registered to be an organ donor without telling her?

20. What would you do if, say, you ran into my middle school bully who told me I couldn’t wear her Ray-Bans because my head would stretch them out?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? And what would Sir Sigmund Freud have to say about that?

22. What would you do for a Klondike bar?

23. Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? Why are you bragging?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? Please refer to question 21

25. If you give a mouse a cookie, and he asks you for some milk, do you think free will exists?

26. Why is Holes the best movie ever made?

27. If you were going to the mall to pick out a bat mitzvah dress and its 2010, are you going for the fit and flare blue sparkly one or the fit and flare pink sparkly one? Did you down a Taro bubble tea right before and now you’re bloated? Will you ever learn?

28. Fuck marry kill; Appetizers, Entrees, Desserts

29. What’s your death row meal? Explain the intricacies of the moral debate on capital punishment and state sanctioned violence

30. Why did you tell someone you loved them in a taqueria in Greenpoint?

31. Think of a number between 1 and 10. Did you think of 7? We should kiss

32. Can I make one Holocaust joke if it’s really good?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone directly, what viral Tiktok dance would you do to say your goodbyes to the public?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. Wait- you’re going back in? After your loved ones and pets are out safely? Why is capitalism so deeply rooted in your brain that you would run back into a burning building, even under the premise of supposed safety, to get a “thing?” I would personally go back for a snack.

35. Of all the people in your family, who would fight on your behalf in a colonial style duel? 

36. Do you think I’m pretty?